“Conflict is really what sharpens our ability to love,” says John Gottman, PhD, who is the cofounder, with his wife Julie, of The Gottman Institute for relationships. (They’re also coauthors of the new book, Eight Dates.) Today, they join Elise Loehnen to share the tools for communication and conflict resolution that make a relationship work. We learn about perpetual issues—and how to talk about them in a way that’s productive, instead of pushing them aside. Which doesn’t mean we get to change our partners—when we try to do this, problems tend to follow, say the Gottmans. “You don’t want to fall in love with who they want to be,” says John. “You want to fall in love with who they are.” And, according to the Gottmans, you want to build a wall around your relationship—rather than a wall between you and your partner. Oh, and find six seconds to make out every day.