Why Women Avoid Their Money—and What Helps

Part of what resonated with readers of Belle Burden’s Strangers was the estrangement Burden describes from her own money. Despite having substantial assets of her own, Burden had largely handed the reins of her financial life to her husband.

Few readers will see their own financial lives reflected in Burden’s memoir. But many may recognize the deeper problem: feeling disconnected from money that is legally their own. For some married women, avoidance takes the form of deferring to a partner. Single women, myself included, can feel a different kind of pressure—having to make every penny ourselves, never knowing how much is enough, and becoming afraid to spend any of it.

Financial wellness is the emotional and practical ability to engage with money in a way that supports your life. It does not require a particular net worth. “Financial wellness is feeling clear and confident in your money choices, no matter where you are financially,” says Hayley Dickson, a certified financial planner and the founder of Rippl Wealth Management. She distinguishes it from “financial freedom,” which is generally treated as an achievement of net worth. Financial wellness, she says, is “a way of being and experiencing and walking through the world.”

The numbers still matter. Understanding what you earn, spend, owe, and own is essential. But numbers alone do not determine whether someone feels capable of making decisions about them. The goal is not to feel good about every financial reality. It is to understand that reality well enough to make choices that support the life you want.

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Financial wellness is feeling clear and confident in your money choices, no matter where you are financially. —Hayley Dickson

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Why Money Avoidance Matters

A 2019 UBS study of 3,652 affluent women found that 58 percent of married respondents deferred long-term financial decisions to their spouses, even though 85 percent were involved in managing day-to-day expenses. The sample was affluent and should be understood as such. Still, it suggests that having money and feeling engaged with it are not the same thing.

Divorce or widowhood can abruptly change that division of responsibility. And this is particularly relevant as an enormous amount of wealth begins to change hands.

Cerulli Associates projects that $124 trillion will pass from baby boomers and older generations to spouses, heirs, and charities through 2048. Of the $54 trillion expected to move first between spouses, more than 95 percent is projected to go to women.

This demographic shift is known as the great wealth transfer. It does not mean that every woman is about to inherit a fortune. It does mean that many women will assume greater financial responsibility, often at the same time that they are dealing with loss. The time to understand your financial life is before circumstances force you to.

Where Money Avoidance Comes From

Our beliefs about money often begin in childhood. Many women grow up without being taught how to save, invest, or plan for retirement. They may also absorb family assumptions about who should earn the money, who should manage it, and whether it is acceptable to discuss it.

“There’s so much toxicity, fear, shame, confusion, and limiting beliefs around money,” says Dickson. “It’s taboo. We’ve been trained that it’s not ladylike to talk about money, so there’s a social stigma around it, too.”

Money anxiety can also be rational. Insufficient income, debt, caregiving responsibilities, and unequal earnings create real constraints. Examining emotional patterns is not meant to turn a structural problem into a personal failing. It can, however, help prevent fear and inherited beliefs from making a difficult situation harder to confront.

Identify the Money Story You Inherited

“Developing awareness is the big work,” says Betsy Witten, a lawyer who now works as a money guide and is the coauthor, with Judith Stern Peck, of Follow the Money: A Guide to Talking About the Last Taboo Topic with Your Clients. “For most people, these voices are their parents’ or grandparents’, who are long gone. You need to identify those voices and then develop your own—one that serves you.”

Witten has led workshops with Peck at the Ackerman Institute for the Family and works privately with people who feel overwhelmed by money. “I help them sit with their discomfort, develop communication skills to talk about money with professionals, family, and friends, and build capacity and competence,” she says.

To begin, write about your earliest memory of money. What did the adults around you say about people who had it—or did not? What were you taught about spending, saving, and asking for more? Books such as Follow the Money, Die with Zero: Getting All You Can from Your Money and Your Life, and The Psychology of Money: Timeless Lessons on Wealth, Greed, and Happiness can also help illuminate those patterns.

Decide What You Want Money to Do

“I spend hours and hours in conversation pulling out from women what they want, and why,” says Dickson.

Instead of beginning with a monthly budget, she asks clients to consider what she calls their joy equation: What would it cost for you to live a joyful life?

The exercise does not replace a budget; it gives the numbers context. Describe what an ordinary month that feels both secure and enjoyable would look like, then attach realistic costs to it. The point is not to spend without limits. It is to understand what you are earning, saving, and investing for.

Start Talking About It

“To get out of your pattern, you have to start talking about it,” says Witten. She often begins with emotional awareness before moving into financial education, so that the information has a better chance of sticking.

For couples, the first conversation does not need to involve market performance or investment strategy. Start with the basics: What accounts, debts, insurance policies, and recurring obligations do you have? Can both partners access them? What would happen if one person were suddenly unable to manage the finances?

If you are single, conduct the same inventory on your own or with a financially knowledgeable friend or professional. The aim is to replace a vague sense of dread with specific information and questions.

Ask for Plain English

Financial language can reinforce the feeling that you do not belong in the conversation. “I don’t even like the term ‘financial literacy,’” says Dickson. “Instead, I distill the information and put it into plain English; it helps avoid intimidation.”

If a financial professional cannot explain something clearly, ask again. Complexity should not be confused with expertise. The SEC’s Investor.gov recommends asking whether an advisor is registered, how they are paid, what services they provide, whether they have a disciplinary history, and what experience they have with people in circumstances like yours.

Managing investments may be precisely what you hired an advisor to do. The important thing is to understand what you are paying for and whether the service matches what you need.

The Benefits of Financial Wellness

“Trusting your own judgment makes you feel really confident,” says Witten. “That happens when you stop listening to the other voices in your head and instead rely on your own.”

Confidence is not a substitute for financial knowledge; the two should develop together. Understanding how insurance, investing, credit, and other financial systems work makes it easier to recognize your options and advocate for yourself.

“The benefit is a full engagement with your life—living in a way that fully serves you,” says Witten. “It allows you to build the life you want to the extent reality allows that.”

When I asked Witten about Burden’s decision to hand over control, her response was a question: “I’m curious what she felt she got by doing that.”

That question may be useful for anyone who avoids dealing with money. Avoidance often provides temporary relief, but it also has a cost. The point is not to become a financial expert. It is to understand enough about your own financial life to take part in the decisions that shape it.