How Do I Lean Into Valentine's Day If Winter Is Killing My Sex Drive?

Valentine’s Day has its charms. At bottom, it’s not a day for partnership; it’s a day for romance. And romance comes in many different flavors: There’s nothing wrong with that nine-course date night. And, also, that prix-fixe might be just as well enjoyed with a friend. Or several friends. Or perhaps you’d prefer a solo seat at the bar. Maybe it’s a night to get dressed up and go dancing—or to stay in and watch movies. To take a bath. To call your ex. To cherish your vibrator. To buy yourself a present. To sport proper lingerie with sweatpants. Simply put, “romance” contains multitudes.

The moral of the story is: You need not boycott Valentine’s Day...regardless of how drab and unsexy winter may have you feeling right now (at least if you live on the East Coast). In fact, that’s all the more reason to indulge in a bit of romance. So, with that in mind, we tapped intimacy and sexuality counselor Michaela Boehm for a little advice on embracing mid-February “fun.”

Cut Yourself Some Slack

“You have to remember: Valentine’s day is a man-made holiday. There’s nothing in our biology that says, it’s February. Time to have sex!” says Boehm. “In fact, evolutionarily, we’re supposed to hunker down and put on some meat in winter...then re-emerge in spring, full of hormones.” As she puts it, it’s important to remember that there’s nothing abnormal or unhealthy about a dwindling libido in winter...if anything, it’s utterly expected. Sure, the Hallmark overlords may be jamming some version of snow-dusted erotica down your throat, but the corporate agenda’s got little to do with how you’re actually feeling. So be gentle with yourself. “The only thing that’s not healthy is putting heavy expectations on yourself or your partner just for the sake of this so-called holiday,” says Boehm.

Focus on Feeling, Not Physicality

At times, it can feel like a rich sex life is about feeling sexy. As if you, yourself, need to feel uniquely appealing in order to be turned on—whether that’s about clear skin, a good hair day, a new robe. But the reality is, you can’t wait until you’re feeling optimally alluring to lean into your sex drive. “It’s winter! You’re pale, you’re pasty, you haven’t been working out, your skin is dry. This is true for all of us,” says Boehm. “But you can’t focus on looks. You must focus on sensation and sensuality. This is always true.”

Often, she finds herself reminding her clients that feeling good is what sexuality is all about. “If you focus on physical appearance, you’re forgoing the thing that sexuality and connection is all about: pleasure and sensation,” she says.

Her advice? Rather than looking in the mirror, or scrutinizing your partner, put on that moisturizer you love. Wear the cashmere whatever-it-is that feels best against your skin. Close your eyes, use your hands, play some music. Focus on what everything feels like in your body, not what it looks like. Which is to say, be present—and try not to get in your head about the visuals. “Try to bring yourself further from self-consciousness, and closer to sensation,” she says.

Embrace a Little Novelty

Sometimes, all you need to kickstart your sex life, whether we’re talking about partnered sex or solo play, is a little new-ness. Routine can be the enemy of sexuality—and if you’re going through the same motions daily, in the same apartment, on the same schedule, it may be time to switch things up. “Sexual spark comes from newness,” says Boehm. “That can be as simple as going to a new restaurant. Having sex in a different room of the house. Having sex before dinner rather than after. Wearing something brand new. Be a little spontaneous.” There’s a reason everyone loves banging in a hotel room. So, this Valentine’s day, rather than putting pressure on yourself to feel more fired up than usual, take some little steps to switch up your routines. Try something you’ve never tried before. “Maybe you go to dinner with no underwear on. Maybe you sleep on different sides of the bed. Surprise yourself or your partner!” says Boehm.

Lean Into the Ceremony

Naturally, sex is not always ceremonious. And frankly, in February, few things are. You’re forgoing beloved outfits for practical, blizzard-appropriate attire. You’re opting for dinners and date nights in (read: cans of soup). You’re falling asleep at 9 p.m. because, well, it was already pitch black at 4 p.m. So, who can be blamed for skipping over the glamour of the every day? That said, per Boehm, instilling a sense of ceremony and care in your day is a great way to up the ante on Valentine’s day sensuality. “Whether you’re with your partner, or we’re talking about self-pleasure, make a point of putting on that music. Light those candles. Take the time to make the thing feel special,” she says. “Maybe drink something special. Make this day feel different from every other day.”

Naturally, we’re on the heels of dry January, but as Boehm explains, while the act of drinking can be blissfully inhibition-releasing, just as important is the ritual of pouring a drink—alcoholic or otherwise. It may be bitters and soda, it may be a mocktail, but the precise activity allows your brain to translate from workday into leisure time. And bringing that practice into your day can be extremely beneficial in countless ways. So on this day of all days, go out of your way to embrace the ceremony. Put time into leisure, pleasure, and presence that you might not normally set aside. “Those little rituals can feel like big acts of self-care,” says Boehm. “And they can be a huge turn-on, too.”

To That End: Embrace Foreplay

It’s important to remember: Sensuality isn’t always about orgasm. Just as often, it can be about play, exploration, and desire. So, on Valentine’s Day (and, frankly, all the time), try and draw out whatever experience you’re leaning into. That means dressing up to masturbate. That means teasing, maybe using toys, perhaps sending sultry texts during the workday. Sure, it may not always end in a miraculous firework-eliciting climax. But enjoying the lead-up and taking your time can be essential to feeling at home in your body, and in touch with your sex drive. “Focus on the connection, not the sex—whether you’re getting in touch with yourself or a partner,” says Boehm. “Slow things down, appreciate that time together, let intensity build. Spend some extra time on your body or your partner’s body. Make this a fun, joyous, connective celebration.”