A Sexologist’s Tips for Staying Connected When Holiday Stress Takes Over

Some among us must find the holidays sexy: There’s mistletoe, there’s champagne, and like clockwork, there are a billion Virgo babies born the next September. But for many, there’s nothing more sexless than frantic late-night gift wrapping and regressing to your teenage self in your childhood home.

According to sexologist and intimacy coach Michaela d’Artois, the holidays are a pressure cooker for your intimate relationships. Which inevitably shows up in your sex life, or temporary lack thereof. She encourages her clients to take the pressure off—white-knuckling your sex drive doesn’t feel good—and opt for small moments of connection where they can. And if those moments ladder up to quickies between social functions and family dinners? All the more reason to celebrate.

1Setting Expectations

Of course, your sex drive over the holidays is highly dependent on how you’re spending them: “If you’re like, bye, we’re going to Hawaii...have so much fun,” d’Artois says. (To that end: See some of our favorite travel-friendly vibrators below.) But for those visiting family, hosting friends, or even just going to a lot of parties, you might expect libido to take a hit. And that’s fine, d’Artois says: “Holding ourselves to this really high standard of also making time for sexual connection is setting ourselves up for failure.”

With a partner, you might need to adjust expectations so no one feels left out or rejected. It starts with acknowledging the environment or any stress you’re under: “First go into it like, ‘Look, this is the reality,’” she says. “You have a huge dinner to cook, you’re sharing a wall with your brother, whatever the case may be."

From there, you can find smaller touchpoints that feel like intimate connection. It could be as simple as staying in bed a while longer, taking a walk, or going on a coffee run just the two of you—an hour to reconnect before everything else kicks off.

2The Check-In

Whether or not you’re finding the time and energy for sex, the pressures of the holidays are an opportunity for practical and emotional intimacy. “We put sex on such a pedestal as a point of connection,” d’Artois says. “But when I ask people, ‘What is it about having sex that feels fulfilling to you?’ a lot of time it's just the undivided emotional attention.”

Partner check-ins are part of d’Artois’s intimacy practice—nothing complicated, just a second for partners to ask each other: What do you need from me today, or right now? Anything goes—maybe you need extra hands in the kitchen, a minute with them, or a minute alone. Usually, she suggests weekly check-ins, but during the holidays or periods of intense stress, daily is great, and moment-to-moment is even better. “It really allows you the safe opportunity to reflect on what you actually might need and express it,” d’Artois says. “You can’t expect that they’re going to read your mind.”

3When the Mood Strikes

If you’re going for it and trying to be discreet in close quarters and shared spaces, you might have to get creative. And that can be a good thing, d’Artois says. If you’ve fallen into certain rhythms and patterns with sex, a logistical challenge can force you out of your groove. Maybe it’s a good excuse to take out the car together: “How can you use this opportunity to create playfulness and fun and novelty?” she asks.

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