Does the “No Sex on the First Date” Rule Still Mean Anything?

We want to answer your most pressing questions—or, you know, just the things that you’re curious about. Please keep them coming to: editorial@goop.com Below, a q for our sex columnist, Eliza Dumais.

Q: I don't think having sex on the first date is a big deal...but my friends think it's the reason I haven't found a partner yet. Does the “three-date rule” actually matter anymore?

Since the days of yore, we’ve been looking for tidy, prescriptive codes of romantic conduct—manuals for love and relationships. Some of us were raised on Emily Post etiquette. Others read Cosmo like the bible. Others consult TikTok for a limitless drip of dating advice. All the same, we’ve yet to leave the one-size-fits-all romantic counsel behind—and of all the tips and maxims we’ve ingested over time, one still seems to loom particularly large: No sex on the first date. 

For some, that ladders up to a “third date rule.” For others, it’s meaningless. For Charlotte, on Sex and the City, the “fifth-date rule” applies because “the number of dates that you wait to have sex with a man is directly proportional to your age.” 

“We’re fed so much information about the dating ‘rule book’ and how we’re perceived, and so much of that comes back to sex,” says relationship and sex therapist Alicia Pinkston, LMHC. “But choosing to have sex at any point is a personal decision, and you need to make sure you’re taking the space to make it for yourself.” 

A 2020 study found that only 5 percent of 1,000 women surveyed believed sex on a first date would have a positive impact on a relationship’s future. But for plenty of single women, dating can feel like a welcome place to explore sexuality without relationship strings attached. And for others, it can offer a way to build rapid physical and emotional intimacy. “There's a lot of research now on the benefits of having sex sooner, but there's also a lot of research on the benefits of waiting,” says Pinkston.

For example, a study from the Journal of Family Psychology posits that between 30 and 40 percent of dating and married couples report having sex within one month of the start of their relationship (which bodes well for the early birds), while a later study in the Journal of Marriage and Family claims that "rapid sexual involvement" can lead to unhealthy romantic entanglements or expedited relationship timelines that may have "adverse long-term implications for relationship quality.”

Most contemporary psychologists seem to be somewhat agnostic on the matter, noting that delaying sex is typically associated with higher relationship quality (whereby waiting leaves more time to build emotional intimacy at the outset)—but at the same time, sex also contributes to the attachment-bonding process.

Of course, like most things in love and war (dating), “There’s no clear, simple answer here,” says Pinkston. “In the end, it’s all personal.” Every relationship is different—and a "successful marriage” need not always be the goal for daters. 

With that in mind, we tapped sex and dating experts to discuss the pros, cons, caveats, and considerations that come with doing it on date one so you can decide for yourself.  

Know yourself and your motivations.

The dating world is complicated. You may be looking for a long-term partner, a short-term partner, a one-night stand, or a pleasant distraction. Your date, however, may or may not be looking for the same things. So, as Pinkston puts it, it’s important to consider which of these categories you fall into.

"It's about looking at ourselves and trying to understand what our motivations are. Do we want to have sex to please someone else? Do we just want to have sex? To experiment?” she says. “Do you have feelings for this person? Will you be hurt if you don’t hear from someone again in the morning?”

As she puts it, it’s important to clock whether you’re going home with someone out of a sense of obligation or a people-pleasing tendency—which will likely not serve you in the end. And moreover, if you do have feelings (or the early prologue to proper feelings) for the person in question, how will you react if, come tomorrow, there’s no follow-up? Of course, if you’re looking to experiment sexually, that’s great—but if you’re not, take a moment to truly consider what you want. Be honest with yourself about what’s driving you. 

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Sex can create cravings for more interaction, and it can make another person into a reward source. We get this chemical high, and we can confuse it with genuine compatibility. —Sarah Hensley, PhD, clinical psychologist and expert in attachment and attraction

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Consider the emotional aspect.

“Women release oxytocin after sex, which can increase feelings of trust. It can lower their skepticism of their partner, which can make them miss red flags,” says Sarah Hensley, PhD, a clinical psychologist and expert in attachment and attraction. “That can create a sense of closeness and bonding that really isn't appropriate after a first date.” If you know you’re looking for a serious relationship, keep in mind that sex might cloud your ability to judge someone’s character in full. “Sex can create cravings for more interaction, and it can make another person into a reward source,” she says. “We get this chemical high, and we can confuse it with genuine compatibility. So we want to be around this person to chase that high—not necessarily out of genuine chemistry—which can lead to heartbreak down the road.” 

The whole “women catch feelings after sex,” sentiment can certainly sound dated and, frankly, sexist. But nevertheless, there’s some science to it, which means it’s always a good idea to check in with yourself. Are you prone to feeling emotionally attached to people you sleep with? Are you in this purely for the sexual encounter? In the end, what will satisfy you? 

It’s also worth noting that some women don’t experience the same levels of emotional connection after sex, so it’s really about looking inward and understanding yourself, explains Pinkston.

Think about your attachment style.

So often, challenges that arise in relationships trace back to our attachment styles—and they come into play with sex, too. “Attachment style can override the connection chemical, if you're super avoidant,” says Pinkston. “But at the same time, that can be true for your partner as well, whether they’re anxious, avoidant, or secure.” As she explains it, sex on the first date is never a faux pas—but one benefit to waiting is leaving time to gauge another person’s attachment style, and thus developing “an emotional bond rather than a pleasure bond.” 

“People with more attachment anxiety are more at risk for people-pleasing behavior,” adds Hensley. “If you’re scared of abandonment, you might override your inhibitions to satisfy someone else’s needs.” In the end, it’s essential that you’re doing this for you—and considering your attachment style may help you clarify your own desires and the potential pitfalls (along with compatibility). 

If you don’t know your attachment style, check out the proper manual, Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, for lengthy information on what defines each style as well as a rubric for identifying your own—or go the speedier, internet route. You’ll find plenty of truncated online resources as well as digital quizzes available for quick-hit intel.  

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I have plenty of clients who are dating for the sake of sexual exploration. Maybe this is their first time out of a long relationship and they want to reconnect with sexuality. Maybe they’re just new to exploring pleasure. —Alicia Pinkston, LMHC, relationship and sex therapist

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Communicate openly. 

So much of sex comes down to communication—from learning how to pleasure one another, to articulating boundaries and consent. All of that communication can be more awkward or difficult to muster with a new partner—but it’s important nonetheless. 

First and foremost, it’s important to be clear about your intentions. “I have plenty of clients who are dating for the sake of sexual exploration. Maybe this is their first time out of a long relationship and they want to reconnect with sexuality. Maybe they’re just new to exploring pleasure,” Pinkston says. “But that’s something you’ll want to communicate to a potential date to even the playing field, and let them decide what they want accordingly.”

Communication extends to vocalizing what you want in bed, too. Sex with anyone for the first time is rarely the best sex of your life (kudos to you if it is), so it helps to share what techniques you like and where you like to be touched. 

Moreover, the same rules apply to sleeping over. As Pinkston puts it, the sleepover can be a particularly fraught subject when it comes to a new partner. For some, it’s emotionally essential to spend the night after sex. For others, it’s best to get out fast and sleep alone. Before having sex, Pinkston advises setting that precedent, so no one is caught off guard or offended in the aftermath of a vulnerable sexual encounter.