We want to answer your most pressing questions—or, you know, just the things that you’re curious about. Please keep them coming to: editorial@goop.com Below, a q for our sex columnist, Eliza Dumais.
Q: My boyfriend says it’s a turn-on when I ask for what I want in bed…but I don’t even know what I want, let alone how to ask for it. What should I do?
In truth, this particular hang-up seeps well beyond the world of the erotic. Few among us are naturally equipped to ask for what we want—in bed, at work, among friends. “If you can say what you want in the bedroom, you can say it anywhere—that’s the hardest part,” says sex coach Caitlin V, author of Harder, Better, Longer, Stronger and host of HBO Max’s Good Sex. “But asking for what you want is a difficult, learned skill in all arenas.”
It goes without saying that struggling to express your needs in bed is entirely common, and certainly no indicator of “prude-ishness” or a lacking sex life. Knowing what you want sexually, then communicating it naturally—even if you identify as open, exploratory, sexually curious, erotically invested—can be exceptionally difficult for countless reasons.
Fortunately, experts say there are plenty of pragmatic approaches to take to make the act of vocalizing your desires a bit more accessible.
Explore solo pleasure
“It’s really essential that you spend time understanding your body—getting to know your own particular pleasure zones,” says Nicole McNichols, PhD, a professor of human sexuality at the University of Washington and author of You Could Be Having Better Sex. “Don’t just assume that what looks pleasurable in porn should feel good to you because we're all different and our bodies all respond slightly differently to touch and technique.”
“Choosing pleasure matters in all aspects of life, and if you want to choose it in the bedroom, you need to be prioritizing it elsewhere in your life, too. —Caitlin V., sex coach”
It begins with dedicating time and effort to knowing what turns you on on your own—what points of contact immediately arouse you, and which parts of your body require attention. “If you explore by yourself, you can really take your time and figure out which types of touch actually feel good to you in a space without shame," McNichols says.
For V., it’s essential to commit to any practice at all that prioritizes personal pleasure—whether or not that takes the form of masturbation. Maybe that's lighting candles and touching yourself, or simply buying lotions that make your skin feel good, says V. “Choosing pleasure matters in all aspects of life, and if you want to choose it in the bedroom, you need to be prioritizing it elsewhere in your life, too.”
Get mindful and create a safe space
As McNichols sees it, descending into that realm of the physical is all about mindfulness—and, in turn, shirking self-consciousness. “It can be so easy to get stuck in your head, thinking about the way your body looks or what sex should look like,” she says. “But mindfulness during sex is the same as mindfulness outside of sex. It really involves bringing your attention and awareness back to your body, back to the sensations that you're actually feeling. Paying attention to your partner's sexual cues and just trying to tune in to exactly what you're feeling in the moment. That’s how you gain the confidence to say to your partner something like, can we do this a little differently? Or even, that feels really good.”
And, keep in mind, asking for what you want in the bedroom doesn’t need to be a physical act. “It can come down to explaining what emotional state you want to be in or how you want to feel, overall, during sex," says McNichols. "That can be a safer, easier place to start.”
Give feedback in the moment
It’s important to remember that your partner is likely asking you to express your desires for genuine and affectionate purposes. Odds are, they want you to feel good. They want to be a part of making you feel good. Which is to say, you need not communicate anything expressly complicated—just an honest admission about your own pleasure.
“We can get overwhelmed when someone asks what we want because we think that means we have to suggest some elaborate acrobatic position requiring Olympic strength. But what a partner’s really saying here is that they want to feel like they're connected to you. —Nicole McNichols, PhD”
“You don’t need to kick off a sexual experience by asking for a specific niche technique or experience. You can say things like, can you try this with a little bit more pressure? Or, can we try this from a different angle? A little more to the left?” advises McNichols. “We can get overwhelmed when someone asks what we want because we think that means we have to suggest some elaborate acrobatic position requiring Olympic strength. But what a partner’s really saying here is that they want to feel like they're connected to you. They want to feel like they're helping you to feel good. And that can be very small. It need not be performative. It can even be in the realm of, help me explore.”
If you're unsure what to say, V. suggests asking a partner for multiple options—then use your agency to select from their offerings. This is a process of experimentation. Think of it as the collection of data—there’s no rush.
And, as you're learning to get comfortable verbalizing your desires and needs, sexting can be a valuable tool for easing in, says McNichols. "You can use emojis, and you can be playful, but on the whole, it can feel a little bit less vulnerable when you're typing rather than talking.” Remember: It’s okay to wade your way in, here: Emails, letters, nude photos, phone calls. Make use of this gateway drugs to work your way up to direct and confrontational bedroom dirty talk.
Take care with your erotic diet
The journey towards speaking aloud what you want begins with exploring what it is that you might like to try in the first place. But in a world where mainstream porn can feel, at times, like our sole indicator of sexual possibility, it can be extraordinarily difficult to locate realistic personal fantasies, let alone communicate them.
While porn can be a valuable way to flirt with the appeal of different fantasies, it can also feel like an entirely inaccurate, illogical, or even hyperbolic version of the thing. As V. puts it, it’s essential to take care with your erotic diet. If you think of Pornhub as fast food, it’s important to also add female pleasure-oriented content, female-directed content, and otherwise diversity into the places you seek sultry fodder. In addition to online erotic videos, she says it’s also worth turning towards romance novels, standard sultry TV shows, and audio porn to see what gets our blood pumping. These are all materials that can help us discover which erotic waters we might like to dip our toes into.
What's more, V. says that merely moving through the world and paying attention, with care, to your own sex drive, can be a marvelous way to think outside of the box. “If your life is centered around pleasure, you’ll find arousing material everywhere,” she says. “The other day I saw a palette at a factory being wrapped in Saran Wrap, and I thought, maybe I’d be into mummification play. Think about all of the little details in the way people move around you. You’d be surprised what might excite you.”
Communicate vulnerable fantasies with care
Even once you've been able to label your own desires, it may feel vulnerable to admit to any fantasies that could lead to judgment. “The reality is, the imagination is a wild place. And in many ways, it can be the gateway into harnessing desire,” says McNichols. “Our fantasies are there to stir and stoke our desire. Sometimes, they can give us hints about things we might want to try or act out, but other times they can just be things that we enjoy privately on our own, and that's okay, too.”
Sexual fantasies aren't necessarily direct translations of exactly what we want to happen in real life, but there’s value in using them to open up exploratory conversations in service of trying out new things, McNichols says. Complex bondage fantasies can begin with light rope play. Group sex fantasies can begin with double penetration and toys. Embracing the vulnerability that comes with communication can be a really wonderful opportunity to approach new territory together.
And when it comes to communicating big fantasies, start slow and do your homework. “Ideally, this is something you’ve thought about with care. You’ve done some research, especially if it can be distressing to act out," V. says. "And perhaps, if you fear your partner may have some hangups, don’t start with the whole thing. Just start with a component.”
Be sure to wait until an appropriate moment: intimate, quiet or in the midst of salacious conversation. Express that you’d like to share a fantasy—but that, perhaps, you’re feeling a little vulnerable about it. As you go, gauge whether you’d like to address only the tip of the iceberg or lean all the way in. “We lack practice and role models for having these conversations,” she says. “So we often have to tread lightly, and more carefully, feeling things out as we go.”
Nonetheless, touching on fantasies of all kinds is a valuable form of intimacy and a sincere way of opening up about the intricacies of pleasure—the likes of which will always be an asset in your romantic and sexual life.