Gwyneth on Letting Go of “Should,” Handling Criticism, and Building a Friendship with Yourself
One of the regular company-wide beats at goop HQ is our staff standup: It’s a chance for us all to come together and get caught up on what’s happening across company, of course. But it’s not all serious. Often, at the end of the meeting, Gwyneth will answer a few questions—submitted anonymously—AMA-style. Some of these are work-related. Some, less so (she was once asked what her favorite kind of bean was). The answers never disappoint (one favorite revelation from a few years back: Her best onscreen kiss was Ethan Hawke in Great Expectations).
Since she’s proved game for this, over the years, we’ve also introduced AMA sessions at some of our in-person events and, occasionally, on The goop Podcast. This week, we convinced her to submit to a new round of wide-ranging questions. Her answers, thoughtful as always, unlocked some new ideas for us. You can read a few of our favorite insights below. Then listen to the whole episode (we asked her to play a round of F***, Marry, Kill).
If you have questions of your own you’d like answered: This weekend, she’s sending out an edition of her quarterly this & that email. Email your questions to editorial@goop.com, and sign up for our newsletters to get on the list.
GWYNETH, UNFILTERED
On letting go of “should” and the challenges of being in your 30s:
I think the 30s is really when you feel like you’re supposed to be totally grown-up, and you’re supposed to be married, you’re supposed to be really established in your career. There are all these shoulds in your 30s, and a lot of times—like, I was not married when I was 30. I did not have a kid when I was 30. But the expectation was there. And I think we need to give ourselves more grace, especially in our 30s, because for women, there’s this time pressure around having kids, and it really is a huge change from the 20s to the 30s. It’s a real step into adulthood. So I would say: Just give yourself some grace. Do things on your own timeline. It’s okay. You don’t need society to pressure you into any particular paradigm, and I think that makes it a bit easier.
When I was 30, I still was very caught up in this idea that I had to earn love and that I wasn't just inherently lovable. And I think that’s something that I’ve been able to really work through. And now I feel that love is something that we just all deserve. We don’t need to earn it. That doesn’t have to be a carrot that we’re dangling.
On self-doubt:
I’ve gotten to the age where I don’t doubt very much about myself. There are certain things I don't like about myself, but I feel like I work on those things. But I fully, fully accept myself and kind of understand exactly who I am. So I think it causes me not to doubt myself anymore.
On building a resilient sense of self:
I think I’m just very detached from other people’s opinions, especially strangers’ opinions. Over the years I’ve become very inured to other people’s ideas of me, and the more that I have accepted myself and really become friends with myself—like deep, deep friends with myself—I just don’t really care that much anymore. I used to care a lot and get hurt. But now I’ve made peace with who I am. And I just don’t engage in it. I don’t let it be a reflection of who I am. Each of us is just completely lovable exactly as we are.
On finding a new center of gravity:
Well, if you’ve listened to this podcast before, you know that it was very tumultuous for me when my kids left the house. But it’s actually been kind of incredible to reconnect with myself in a deeper way that I hadn’t done in in a long time. When you’re so oriented around your kids and your schedule and everything—Brad said it really well: He said my nervous system was tethered to them and their plans and their emotional well-being. And when they leave the house, you get all this space back. So it’s been really interesting. You know, it's been 20 years since I’ve had that kind of time to reflect or to center myself in a day. And I think it’s really deepened my relationship with myself.