I Survived Financial Abuse–Here’s What I Think Everyone Should Know
“Return them,” my ex-husband, A, said. “They’re too expensive.” He wasn’t talking about a pair of Chanel ballet flats or diamond studs—the offensive item in question was a box of Trader Joe’s mini peanut butter crackers. The cost? $3.29. We sat at the kitchen island as he vigilantly scrutinized the grocery receipt, item by item. “I only got them because I thought you’d like them,” I meagerly responded, as the pit in my stomach grew and my heart started to race. My attempts to placate him and rationalize the innocent snack purchase were futile. “Take them back.” End of conversation. I sat quietly, waiting to see which other grocery choices would be deemed unacceptable. The crackers were my only transgression....this time.
Nearly a decade later, I’d recount this story to my therapist, shaking as all the emotions I felt in that moment—fear, confusion, shame, guilt, all over a box of crackers—came flooding back. It was then that I realized how extremely powerful and damaging financial abuse is, and that I had been a victim for years.
What Financial Abuse Really Looks Like
“Financial abuse is a form of coercive control, where one person uses money or feelings about money in a manner that limits the other’s independence or feelings of security,” says marriage and family therapist Kimberly Miller, LMFT, who is also a certified financial planner and divorce educator.
“[It’s] still really in the shadows and is probably even more common than we realize,” says Miller. Personally, I was in the thick of it and had no idea—something Miller says happens often. I chalked it up to—and, in retrospect, rationalized it as—my ex being controlling with money (the understatement of the century.) My friends and family jokingly called him cheap, not realizing the extent of the manipulation at play.
Part of the reason why financial abuse flies under the radar is that it can take many different shapes. There’s restriction, where access to money is limited—whether through credit cards or an allowance—as well as monitoring and surveillance of receipts and spending, Miller points out. Hiding assets or debts, forced financial decisions (such as signing onto loans or tax fraud) are also forms.
“Shaming someone for their finances, be that how much they spend or how much they earn, is another example, and one that really walks the line between financial and emotional abuse,” Miller says. That said, there’s usually overlap between the two, often involving gaslighting, intimidation, and diminished confidence, she adds. (While financial abuse can occur without these emotional elements, she notes that this is rare.)
The Red Flags I Missed
My ex checked a lot of the boxes. Allowance? Yep, $1,000 for clothes and shoes per year—no exceptions, and I had to log everything in an Excel spreadsheet. All our credit cards were joint, and my charges were restricted, controlled, and fiercely monitored. Any conversation about money absolutely terrified me—I’d rehearse what I was going to say, complete with extensive explanations, bargaining tactics (both literal and emotional) at the ready. It was exhausting.
He was making more money than I was, but we were both putting money into our shared accounts. When we bought a condo, he pulled the down payment out of his stock account, which I never had access to. He never let me forget that “he had paid for our house”—even though I was contributing to the mortgage, utilities, and everything else. This touched on something therapist and trauma expert Sonnet Daymont, LMFT, calls “employment sabotage,” when the financial abuser “psyches you out” because you don’t earn as much as they do. She adds that it often manifests as one spouse telling the other to stay home with the kids or limit their career because they’ll never earn enough. (A and I didn’t have children together, but he never let me forget that he made more money than I did.)
“You can have all the money in the world and still be the victim of financial abuse. —Kimberly Miller, LMFT, therapist, certified financial planner, and divorce educator”
This is also how the pattern often starts: The victim thinks that because they don’t earn as much or aren’t as good with money, then they should get less of a say, says Miller. That can become a way of justifying the situation, quickly developing into extremely unhealthy patterns, she notes. In her experience, it almost always follows a male-abuser/female-victim pattern. Daymont agrees, noting that marriage roles in which the husband is the primary breadwinner often set the stage for these damaging dynamics to take hold quickly. But it isn’t just a heterosexual issue. “[It's] about control, not gender, and exists in all relationship structures,” Miller explains.
That means it crosses racial and cultural lines, as well as socio-economic classes. “You can have all the money in the world and still be the victim of financial abuse,” Miller says. Case in point: In the much-talked-about memoir Strangers, Belle Burden recounts many of these same red flags in her marriage to a wealthy hedge fund executive, including his request to “annotate our joint credit card bills, explaining each charge in tiny print,” while also outright rejecting the idea of her returning to any paid work after having children.
How to Leave a Financially Abusive Relationship
In my case, I didn’t file for divorce because of the financial abuse—I didn’t even realize what was happening until years later. I just knew I needed to get out. (Although, in hindsight, a lot of the reasons I left were very closely tied to it.)
But what do you do if you’re very aware of the situation and want to leave a financially abusive relationship? As Miller notes, it differs from other forms of abuse in that there’s typically no immediate physical danger. “You have time to not only come to the realization of what’s happening, but also be really thoughtful and plan how you’re going to exit,” she explains.
It’s better to slowly figure out how to definitively leave the relationship, rather than to make spontaneous or rash decisions and waffle back and forth, Daymont says. As a first step, she advises gathering a complete picture of your financial situation and educating yourself about money. Pull any key records you can find—tax returns, pay stubs, bank and credit card statements, property documents, insurance policies—so that you can begin to better understand what’s coming in and what’s going out. Many shelters and counseling centers that offer domestic violence assistance also provide resources and referrals to improve financial literacy, Daymont adds.
And, for women who fear a divorce would be nearly impossible due to finances, it’s important to note that many are likely more well-off than they realize; in many states, they’re legally entitled to half of everything, Miller says. What’s more, many divorce lawyers will find a way to work with you, regardless of your financial status.
What a Healthy Money Dynamic Feels Like
It’s important to note that there are plenty of relationships with discrepancies in earnings, differing attitudes toward money, and varied financial responsibilities that are not in the least bit abusive. Miller says she sees many situations where there are different financial roles or even allowances present that are still completely healthy. It’s the power dynamic and the element of control that make things problematic, she offers. Both parties should feel like they have an equal say, and no one should feel less than the other.
I discovered this dynamic firsthand. Fast-forward a few years, and I was seriously dating my now husband, R. I had done a lot of self-work, but I was still unaware I’d experienced financial abuse. My baggage began to rear its ugly head when we moved in together. I finally mustered the courage to ask how he wanted to handle bills. He answered so casually I nearly fell over: “We’ll figure it out, I can pay, or you can pay, it’s no big deal.” My brain couldn’t comprehend any of it.
Fast forward a few more years, and we were married, had bought and renovated a house, and had twins. I knew I had “stuff” surrounding money; it made me wildly uncomfortable to talk about, despite the fact that R never once did anything even remotely controlling or manipulative. In fact, he was (and is) the complete opposite, never questioning my spending on anything.
But it wasn’t until we were talking with our couples’ therapist about finances—and my challenges surrounding the topic—that it all finally clicked. She commented, “Victims of financial abuse often have this type of reaction.” This was the first time I’d ever heard the term. I sat stunned, speechless. The realization shook me to my core...and yet made so much sense.
“The awareness piece is huge,” says Miller. “It may not always feel safe to name what’s happening to you, but doing so with your friends or outside support systems is always the first step in healing. Then you can figure out how to move forward.”
Healing After Financial Abuse
Moving on can be a process. The goal is to recognize that the abuse occurred, not minimize it, and release any shame that so often comes with it, says Miller. Then you can start rebuilding your self-confidence and trust around money, she adds. “It’s about recognizing that your worth is different from your wealth,” Miller says. “Your value as a partner isn’t attached to how much money you make or how you spend it.”
Various therapeutic models can be hugely beneficial, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) in particular, according to Daymont. “It gives you a way to look at how you feel about yourself and how you process emotion as a result of a trauma,” she explains. You can then change and switch existing narratives, for example, “I’m weak because I was abused” to “I am now strong and aware.”
Mindfulness-based stress reduction (focusing on physically regulating your nervous system via breathing and other techniques) is another excellent tool. It allows you to catch yourself when adrenaline and cortisol are firing and find a sense of calm, Daymont explains.
“It’s about recognizing that your worth is different from your wealth. Your value as a partner isn’t attached to how much money you make or how you spend it. —Miller”
These tools have been extremely helpful as I work through my own healing journey. It’s taken a lot of time, but recently R and I were able to have a conversation about money that didn’t trigger a physical response in my body for the first time. It wasn’t necessarily comfortable, but I got through it without crying or shaking.
Still, old habits die hard. Certain things that were programmed into me by my ex-husband remain lodged in my brain. My instinctual default is to rationalize expenses or preemptively explain spending. Despite all the work I’ve done, I have to consistently remind myself that my past relationship was abusive and that I’m now safe.
If you’re reading this and thinking, “holy shit, this is me,” my advice is first to get professional help and tell anyone you trust what’s going on. (You can also look online for support groups or contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline, which also has resources for financial abuse, specifically.)
There is life after financial abuse, I promise. It’s a tedious, gnarly journey to get to the other side, but the alternative is beautiful and liberating and so, so worth it. Plus, you can buy all the TJ’s peanut butter crackers you want—I certainly do.