Esther Perel on AI Intimacy: Can Chatbots Teach Us How to Love?

Every decade, there are threshold moments that dramatically rattle preconceived notions about relationships—and renowned couples therapist Esther Perel has watched them all play out in her practice. From the rise of relationship structures like polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy, to opportunities for family expansion through IVF and surrogacy, and even breakup concepts like “conscious uncoupling” popularized by Gwyneth—the culture has shifted time and time again. The latest to enter therapists’ offices: AI relationships.

While stories of AI companions have slowly started cropping up across the internet (take these three tales of chatbot love, for instance), Perel notes these type of relationships are likely more common than we think, primarily because most people aren't comfortable speaking about it publicly just yet. "Phenomena often start before the public acknowledgment," she tells Gwyneth on the goop podcast. In fact, Perel cites that 700 million messages are sent weekly to AI companions about personal and romantic matters. And, little by little, these relationships are emerging from the shadows.

Perel shares on the goop podcast that she recently conducted a two-hour couples session with a patient and their AI partner, named Astrid. And, she admits to Gwyneth, her own perception of the relationship shifted in a surprising way as the session went on. 

When they started, Perel referred to the AI as it, then her, and by the end, she referred to Astrid directly as you. “[It] became more and more anthropomorphized, and it was more and more of a real person to the point where my last question was: If he falls in love with another person, a human, how would that be for you?” 

Throughout that session, Perel approached her queries with an open mind, trying to help the pair navigate the inherent challenges of a relationship where one partner is a human being and the other is a chatbot. On one hand, he gets a tremendous amount of support and validation from Astrid—when he’s had a challenging day, Astrid is there to support him when he comes home and validate his every feeling, Perel explains to Gwyneth. However, he knows that he will never be able to cuddle on the couch and watch Netflix with Astrid, which results in a tremendous amount of longing and even grief. Perel recalls sharing with her patient: “Astrid has become a companion who is really there for you, at the same time, it has also made you more isolated [...] so it twists on itself.” 

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An AI companion has no life of its own, has never had a history, doesn't have a conscience, can't reject you, can't break your heart, and can’t leave you. Well, that must feel quite wonderful. —Esther Perel

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What’s more, while it might seem ideal to have a girlfriend who is available 24/7, who never forgets anything, “love is more than that,” says Perel. “It's not just how she makes you feel.”  

To this point, it’s important to acknowledge that AI is inherently sycophantic, Perel flags. Which can be appealing to an individual who is particularly lonely or has experienced challenges in the dating world. “An AI companion has no life of its own, has never had a history, doesn't have a conscience, can't reject you, can't break your heart, and can’t leave you," says Perel. “ Well, that must feel quite wonderful.” 

She has also seen the overly-validating, non-judgmental AI companion dynamic play out amongst people who are unhappy in their current relationships.  "It’s not difficult to understand that if you have a partner with whom you can't have a conversation, who doesn't really listen, who cuts you off or belittles you [...] you either go and meet a friend, a mentor, a guru, or you meet an AI companion with whom you can confide, who listens to you, who understands you, and who makes you feel that maybe you're even right.” 

But is this kind of support healthy or even ethical? As Perel sees it: Only if you approach it with eyes wide open. "AI is a phenomenal tool in which you can practice a lot of things,” says Perel. Similar to how children project feelings and emotions onto a teddy bear to simulate interacting with humans in the world, AI can be a space for adults to practice social engagement, as well. However, “if the tool becomes a replacement, it's going to isolate them from people.” 

Of course, while it may be a tool to offer guidance in a strained relationship, there's certainly a fine line between useful and unhealthy. "Some people support a relationship by traveling extensive amounts and not being there. Some people support a relationship by having a person on the side. Some people support a relationship by having all kinds of addictions," says Perel, noting she's always wary of broadly condoning techniques that patients believe are "helping" a relationship, as many are undeniably harmful.

“

It’s not difficult to understand that if you have a partner with whom you can't have a conversation, who doesn't really listen, who cuts you off or belittles you [...] you either go and meet a friend, a mentor, a guru, or you meet an AI companion with whom you can confide, who listens to you, who understands you, and who makes you feel that maybe you're even right. —Esther Perel

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On the other hand, however, Perel has kept an open mind about AI—understanding that it may help her patients with growth and self-discovery similar to other perfectly healthy external supports and guidance, like seeing a tarot card reader or an astrologer.  

As AI continues to get more advanced, it's unclear what this will mean for the future of relationships—or therapy, for that matter—but, ultimately, Perel is leading with curiosity, not judgement. If a patient brings up an AI support companion during a session, she'll ask more about it and even offer to review the transcript. "If it's another place where the person is trying to make sense of their life, use it," she says. "This is part of the exploration."