Healing—and Finding Love—after Dating a Narcissist
Being romantically involved with a narcissist can wreak havoc on your sense of self, distort your reality, and decimate your self-esteem. The fallout is unlike that of any other breakup. If you know what I’m talking about, you know.
After a narcissistic entanglement, you might wonder whether there is something fundamentally wrong with you. (There’s not.) And you might also wonder if it’s possible to find love again. (It is.)
It’s even possible for your future experiences in love to be better because of what happened, not despite it.
While I wouldn’t wish a narcissistic-relationship experience upon anyone, I also know a relationship with a narcissist can wake us up to our blind spots. Some of the traits that make us popular in personal relationships and lead us to excel in professional ones might not serve us in love. And those traits are catnip to a narcissist, who is someone willing to exploit our goodness for their own gain. Some of those traits:
- Eagerness to please so we feel chosen and loved.
- Taking more than our share of responsibility in order to prove our value and demonstrate our desirability.
- Tendencies to champion someone’s potential in an ideal future rather than accept their actual behavior.
- Trying to be perfect so that we feel accepted and safe.
Cultivating self-love will guide you toward healthier boundaries, higher standards, and robust self-worth. Which then, in turn, help form excellent partner-selection skills so you can relax into the courtship process and actually have fun when you put yourself out there again.
Of course, it might take therapy to recover after a difficult experience in love. But once you’re ready to dip your toes in the dating pool again, here are tips to keep the focus on your well-being as you make wise choices.
Shift the emphasis back to you. It’s tempting—and common—to focus on red flags and diagnoses when you start to date again. I’ve seen people who spent years researching disordered personalities after their relationship ended. And while an initial education period can be helpful, it can become a distraction.
The best compass you have is your own intuition. It’s common for my clients to tell me that they sensed something was off in the early phase and have proceeded anyway. They’ll say, “Well, I wasn’t actually attracted to them at first.” Or: “I did think it was weird when they did that thing, but I told myself I was being silly, and my friend told me I was being too picky.”
Rather than creating endless lists of red flags, try to cultivate compassion and forgiveness for yourself. It is not your fault if you were manipulated. A kind and generous heart is nothing to be ashamed of. The minute we step beyond self-recrimination and blame, we start to trust our ability to navigate life and love again.
Decide to be cherished. Just because you were hurt by a narcissist in the past does not mean that you are doomed to repeat the experience.
Consider what moving on means for you. Not just how it would be different from the last time—this is key—but how it would look and feel to be in a flourishing relationship.
Some questions to ask yourself:
What are the healthy ingredients of a soulful, loving relationship that would have you personally thrive? What are your wishes and needs? What are your standards? Not what you think is realistic for you, but what is actually required to allow someone intimate access to you?
For example, do you feel most secure with a partner who is emotionally sensitive and mature? Is spirituality a core value for you? Do you desire someone who is devoted to you and to your relationship, no matter what else is happening in their life? Do you wish to build a life with someone, to create a family? Do you need a certain care in communication, clarity of intent, and frequency in affection?
When we name our needs and desires, we may also notice that deep down we may not feel worthy of being cherished or receiving what we long for. It often doesn’t make sense to the conscious mind. After all, we want love. But under the surface, these inner barriers mean we may invest in scenarios that offer less than we deserve.
People-pleasing, performing, and overfunctioning can be clues that we have these inner barriers to love. We might notice symptoms: We feel guilty about declining unwanted advances, ignore our intuition, or regularly speak harshly to ourselves. With gentle self-awareness and self-compassion, we can melt away any of our barriers.
Create an effective filtering system. While I encourage you to pay attention to your intuition, it can also be helpful to create a formal filtering system so you can sift out misaligned matches.
Your filtering system will be most effective when you start with what does and doesn’t work for you, rather than listing attributes about them. For example, consider what does and doesn’t work from the perspective of emotional attraction, physical attraction, and companionship with a long-term partner.
My clients laugh when I suggest that they plug their simple criteria into a spreadsheet for review after dates and other interactions, but using a nonsexy system is a remarkably effective way to make good, fast decisions.
Whatever works for you, ensure that when you get excited (and love hormones start to flow), you are cross-checking your experience against what you knew was important before you met this new person. Revisiting your filtering system will help you stay anchored in yourself and avoid being lured into a fantasy.
Whether you are dating on the apps or in the wild, do know that there are many wonderful people looking for love. Love is a core aspect of the human condition. There are plenty of kind-hearted, sensitive souls out there who have been humbled by difficult experiences themselves and who are now consciously seeking meaningful romantic connection from a place of emotional maturity.
Ezzie Spencer, PhD, is a Los Angeles-based relationship coach. Her 12-week coaching program, Re.Love, uses positive psychology to help women develop self-compassion, self-worth, and confidence in dating and relationships. Spencer is the author of Lunar Abundance: Cultivating Joy, Peace and Purpose Using the Phases of the Moon. She is a former human rights lawyer and has a doctorate in therapeutic jurisprudence.
