Esther Perel’s Playbook for Overcoming “Erotic Flatness” in Your Relationship

Esther Perel is one of the most sought-after sex and relationship therapists, and we’ve long turned to her wisdom since the early days of goop. Whether she’s addressing the complexities of desire or commitment, Perel has a rare ability to articulate the unspoken dynamics that shape modern relationships. Luckily for us, Perel recently launched two new online courses leveraging her 40 years helping couples in a sexual rut achieve greater satisfaction.

Ahead, the renowned psychotherapist and best-selling author shares how to reignite desire in long-term relationships and start tapping into new erotic possibilities.

What’s the real difference between sex and eroticism? Why is being an ‘erotic couple’ important in a relationship?

Sex is the biology, the nature; it is the pivot. Eroticism extends way beyond a repertoire of sexual urges, toys, or techniques. It is sexuality transformed by our imagination. At the heart of the erotic lies pleasure, not performance. Eroticism is a quality of aliveness, of vibrancy and vitality–a unique combination of energy and intimacy, covering the entire spectrum from tantric to kinky.

The key ingredients of the erotic are creativity, curiosity, playfulness, presence, and pleasure. When couples come to me, they sometimes want “more” sex, but they always want “better” sex. And that “better” is the cultivation of that aliveness. Erotic couples know that sex isn’t just something you do–because in sex you can do a lot and feel very little, but in the erotic, you can do very little and feel a lot.

What is ‘erotic flatness’ and why is it common in long-term relationships?

A sentence that speaks to “erotic flatness” is when people tell me, “Let’s just do it,” or “my partner scratches my back for ten seconds and expects me to be wet,” or “the whole thing lasts five minutes.” What all these sentences share in common is they lack energy and imagination.

Not all sex needs to be a big production, but it does demand presence, connection, and playfulness. An important component in the return to the erotic is to expand the definition of sex beyond the acts and genitals to include breath, eye-contact, deliberate and slow touch, trust-building, and the willingness to risk. I often suggest people use my card game, Where Should We Begin? A Game of Stories, to ask the questions that can lead to a different kind of conversation. Some of these prompts include:

• A text message I fantasize receiving…
• In my latest fantasy, I am …
• Some foreplay I’ll never forget …
• I get bored during sex when …
• The most sensual experience I’ve had without having sex …

For couples stuck in a rut with ‘maintenance sex’ what’s the first step to invite eroticism back into the relationship?

My first suggestion is initiating a conversation that isn’t about the rut. Try some questions to create a different kind of conversation. Both partners can alternate back and forth.

Start with the prompt, “I turn myself off when…” or “I shut down by…” This is not the same as “you turn me off when,” or “what turns me off is…” In the answer lies the idea that we own our desire.

Another prompt could be, “I turn myself on when…” or “I awaken when…” Again, this is not the same as, “you turn me on when,” or “what turns me on is…” It puts the agency and responsibility on us. You’ll find the answers are often not explicitly sexual.

People are more interested in sex when they feel cherished, not overworked, when they give themselves permission to relax, to experience pleasure. Other questions that often get people unstuck are:

• What does sex mean to you?
• What do you want to experience in sex?
• What parts of yourself do you connect with during sex?
• Is sex a place you go for transcendence? For mischief? A party for the senses? To be vulnerable? To be naughty? To escape responsibility and good citizenship?

What advice do you have for someone who feels anxious about opening the conversation with their partner?

No one has ever wanted more sex from talking for hours about the sex that they’re not having. But how can you get out of the rut without first addressing it?

Try speaking from longing. What do you miss? What do you want? When being sexually candid with each other, it’s important to stay kind rather than critical. Staying open to possibility and being willing to have new erotic experiences is going to relieve the pressure valve and open up dialogue.

A gentle way to befriend anxiety during your conversation: Take the hand of the other person and just place it somewhere on your body that feels safe, secure, good. Then, move it to another place. Create a situation of a giver and a receiver where the receiver is entirely in charge.

Your course covers the “seven verbs that shape the way we love and how to use them”—can you share one or two of them?

Sexuality and relationships are a language. In long-term relationships, you can’t separate the sex from the relationship. Two verbs that shape how we think and talk about sex and desire include “to receive” and “to share.”

Ask yourself: which of these verbs is the one that comes easiest for you and which is more challenging? Is there one that could use a little extra care? Start small and then see what it’s like to be given to when you ask. It can feel very vulnerable because our sense of self-worth sits right in the middle of our experience of asking and receiving. Remember to ask for what you want rather than complaining about what you don’t get. When you’ve asked once, ask again.