How to Deepen Your Orgasms, according to 7 Sex Experts

Written by: Denise John, PhD


Published on: June 20, 2024

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When we asked a group of trusted sex experts what they recommend for deepening orgasms, one common theme emerged: Activating more senses leads to experiencing more pleasure. They each shared their unique way of doing that—whether you’re with a partner or flying solo.


“There’s no pleasure without presence,” says Joy Berkheimer, PhD, chief sexologist at SXWA. “And orgasm is your evidence of full presence.” One way to deepen your presence with a partner, Berkheimer says, is to create sexual anticipation using conscious erotic touch, where one person is completely giving and the other is entirely receiving. The giver uses a variety of pressure and sensations to stimulate different parts of the body. For example, they could caress their partner’s shoulders with their hands using firm pressure, lightly touch their ribs with a feather, and then gently pour warm wax along their back. “It’s about putting someone in a position where they don’t know what’s going to happen, and their body becomes alive and excited with anticipation,” she says. The anticipation can heighten your presence and deepen your orgasms.


Shannon Chavez Qureshi, PsyD, CST, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, recommends what’s called vibrator priming: “Massage the genital area, your pubic mound, and inner thighs to really get those nerve endings to fire.” This stimulates your pelvic muscles, increases blood flow, and releases tension, which all help increase arousal and deepen orgasms. “All of those different patterns and intensities [of a vibrator] prime your body so that it’s more responsive to a variety of sexual pleasure and play,” she says.

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“Sound amplifies pleasure,” says holistic sexuality teacher Sheri Winston, who wrote Women’s Anatomy of Arousal. “I’m not suggesting making fake porn sounds, but discover your own inner soundtrack of pleasure.” Almost any sound that is relaxing and feels expanding is good—use soft vowel sounds as a starting point and expand from there.


Most people are unaware of when their body is tense and their breathing is shallow during sex, says Sheila Kamara Hay, MA, a certified somatic coach who works with board-certified functional ob-gyn Suzanne Fenske, MD, at TārāMD. Just noticing that tension—and making an effort to relax your body and deepen your breath—allows your sexual energy to become more expansive. That’s when you’ll have more-heightened sensations of sexual pleasure.


If you’re reading this, you already know that communicating your desires is a powerful act. And yet communicating during sex doesn’t come easily just because we know it matters. Pamela Madsen—a somatic wellness educator and the founder of Back to the Body retreat—reminds us that the obvious, simplest way to communicate during sex is often best. Your partner will know what you mean just fine if you say: “faster,” “slower,” “harder,” “just like that,” or “stay there.”


Certified sex educator and clinical sexologist Sayaka Adachi, LMFT, says that self-critical thoughts will dampen your ability to reach orgasm. She recommends getting to know your body and giving it lots of love—through words and self-pleasure. And if those judgy thoughts keep creeping into your head during sex, she has a surprising suggestion: Incorporate them into your foreplay. For example, if she has a client who’s embarrassed about their vulva (whether it’s because of their childhood upbringing around sexuality or another reason), she recommends they express that during sex—in a sexually playful way. They might say, “Oh, no. My legs just spread open, and you can see my vulva—I’m so embarrassed. Maybe you should…” and fill in the blank with a sexually pleasing act they want their partner to do. She says this helps transform the shameful thoughts into something sexually pleasing.


Karen Yates, a sex educator and the host of the podcast Wild & Sublime, recommends cultivating a mindful erotic practice: scheduling an hour for sensual self-play without an orgasm being the goal. This helps take the pressure off climaxing and leaves plenty of time for exploration. She says to be open-minded and use whatever tools you’d like (e.g., oils, feathers, fingernails). As more parts of your body are stimulated in a variety of ways, your arousal—and potential for deeper orgasm—increases. You can do this with or without a partner.

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