Why There’s No Room for Objective Reality in Relationships
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Photo courtesy of Faizal Westcott/Stills
I’ve been a relationship therapist for close to 40 years, and for the last half of my career, I’ve specialized in saving couples on the brink whom no one has been able to help.
Unsurprisingly, I’m often asked how. Here’s the open secret: I offer troubled clients a radical new map for relating—a very different way of viewing oneself in the world. And I give them a practical toolkit for turning that new way of thinking into a transformed life filled with fulfilling, authentic connection with themselves and each other.
We begin by correcting the essential mistake that Western civilization has run on since the Renaissance—the delusion of individualism.
We are designed to be relational. It’s how we work best emotionally and even physically.
Current research shows that a lack of rich social connection is as bad for our bodies as smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. Just as sleep, exercise, and whole foods are foundational to wellness, so is human connection.
Yet we see ourselves as individuals, standing apart from nature. More than that, patriarchy—which is the water we all swim in to this day—teaches us that we stand not only apart from nature but above it and in control of it. And the nature we try to control could be our own minds (“I’ve got to be more positive”), our partners (“I’d be happy if only you would…”), our kids (“You need to stop screaming”), or even our bodies (punishing ourselves with excessive exercise, for example).
CONTROL IS ALWAYS A LOSING STRATEGY
Let’s talk more about control. It can be overt dominance (e.g., “Do as I want,” for example), which tends to be more common in men but is not exclusive to them. Or it can be covert “managing up” behavior, such as thinking, Don’t set them off, which is more commonly present in women but, again, not exclusively.
But control in either direction is a delusion. We do not stand apart from nature; instead, we stand inside it. Our relationships are our biospheres. It’s in your interest to keep your biosphere healthy, because you depend upon it. For this reason, I talk to couples not about altruism but rather about enlightened self-interest.
I call this waking up to ecological wisdom, or ecological humility. Sure, you can pollute your biosphere with a fit of temper over here. But you’ll breathe in that pollution in your partner’s withdrawal over there. You are linked. You are an ecosystem.
Thinking relationally, ecologically, changes everything: our values, our language, the tools we use with one another. If one of you wins, for example, and the other loses, you both lose. Not out of some pie-in-the-sky idealism. But rather the realpolitik that the loser will make the winner pay for it—you can count on it.
The relational answer to the question “Who’s right and who’s wrong?” is: “Who cares?”
The real question is: “How are you and I going to work out this issue in a way that works for both of us?”
Let me illustrate. Perhaps some of you can relate to this true story from my clients, a husband and wife. She says to him, “You’re a reckless driver.” His reply: “You’re overreacting, and you’re too nervous.” They each marshal their evidence and argue their case.
Here’s what they sound like after one session with me:
She to him: “Honey, I know you love me…maybe I’m nervous, but right or wrong, when you drive 10 miles above the speed limit, weave in and out of lanes, and tailgate, I send myself crazy. Now, I know you adore me. You don’t want me sitting next to you being petrified every time we drive together. When you’re by yourself, you can drive in any way you want. I get nervous, but it’s your life. When I’m in the car with you, as a favor to me, could you please slow down and drive more conservatively so that I don’t have to be insane every time I’m sitting next to you? Would you do that?”
His genuine reply: “Uh…sure.”
And guess what? He does!
What might have been a fight that lasted 40 years was resolved in 10 minutes. As they shifted the focus away from right or wrong, fair or unfair, win or lose, they made it relational—subjective. In doing so, they could reach a solution together.
Let’s break down how they did it:
First, the start: “Honey, I know you love me…” That loving opener immediately changes the energy between them.
The subjective experience: “I’m nervous” and “I send myself crazy.” (Not: “You do this to me.”)
And the request: “As a favor to me, could you…?” Show them what right would look like.
WORKING AS A TEAM
Shifting from a paradigm of dominance—where the focus is on individual demands—to one of interdependence (“How are we going to work together?”), we realize that healthy relationships are an endless negotiation of healthy assertion and cooperation: “Darling, thanks for listening and trying. What can I give you to help empower you to come through for me? We’re a team. Let’s work together.”
Now, whom do you know who talks like that? I’m going to guess no one. This is what I mean by the radical new map and tools. This is a brand-new way of relating, but one that holds the capacity to help us build and sustain the truly meaningful relationships we long for.
My book Us: Getting Past You & Me to Build a More Loving Relationship contains the very same map and skills I teach my clients. I invite you to read it and see if it can transform your relationship into one based on compassion, collaboration, and connection.
