Esther Perel on Sex, Monogamy, and Who Really Gets Bored First

Q

How is desire affected by the way it is traditionally thought of as gendered?

A

One way to influence desire is with the institutionalization of the relationship. My thinking on this topic is drawn directly from the research of my colleague Marta Meana, Ph.D.: Once a relationship becomes institutionalized, women might no longer feel activated by their own will, but by the dictates of society. Now she is married, here is what she is expected to do, this is what the world wants from her, this is what a wife should be doing, this is the right marital duty. The moment she institutionalizes something that she felt she owned, that was hers, that was her choice, it becomes what I’m supposed to do, versus what I want to do. She loses the activation of her own autonomous will. Autonomous will is essential to desire; desire means to own the wanting. People can be massively attracted, but have no desire. Desire is a motivation.

“The moment she institutionalizes something that she felt she owned, that was hers, that was her choice, it becomes what I’m supposed to do,
versus what I want to do.”

Another factor: Typically, we like to think of women’s desire as more discriminating. If a woman wants a man, the man can be pretty sure that it is him she wants. But if a man wants a woman, she wants proof that it’s her he wants.

But what we don’t admit often is that women get bored with monogamy sooner than men. Research shows that men remain much more interested sexually in a partner for a longer time, with shifts being more gradual. Women tend to lose their interest in a shorter amount of time and rather precipitously.

In very interesting ways, men in committed relationships are often much more generous. They genuinely appreciate the quality of their partner’s excitement. Men in committed relationships generally talk a lot about how much they enjoy pleasing their partner. The quality of their experience very often depends on the quality of her experience; seeing her into it, seeing her enjoy it. You rarely hear a woman say: What turns me on the most is to see him really into it. What turns her on the most, is to be the turn on. The secret of female sexuality is how narcissistic it is. It’s the antidote to a woman’s social world, which is so much about tending to the needs of others. In order to actually be sexual—which means to be inside her own mounting pleasures, sensations, excitement and connection—she needs to be able to not think about others. To think about others will take her outside the woman role and into the care-taking and mother role.

“The secret of female sexuality is how narcissistic it is.”

A third factor is the de-sexualization of the roles. The roles that she inhabits (mother, caretaker, head of domestic responsibilities) are not roles that appeal to her sexuality, to her sense of pleasure, or the selfishness that is inherent in pleasure. Women often struggle to experience that sense of pleasure in the context of other relationships and family—how to hold onto themselves in the context of others.

Traditionally we have interpreted a woman’s desire as less—she must have less of an interest in sex. But no, it’s that women become less interested in the sex they can have. Put that same woman with a new person, in a new story, and suddenly she doesn’t need a role replacement. Because she’s interested in who she is, in what she’s feeling, in how she’s looking at herself and how she’s thinking—she’s turning herself on. So desire generally doesn’t have much to do with sexuality, but with inner criticism, lack of sense of self-worth, lack of vitality, bad body image, you name it—because desire is to own the wanting.

Q

What do men have a hard time talking to female partners about?

A

I think men have a hard time asking for support and intimacy.

I met a man a few days ago who came from essentially nothing and who has become very successful. He explained that his wife as a “very type-A woman who works very hard.” Not the type to observe when she herself does a good job—because there is always more that can be done, or done better, in the quest for perfection. He told me about what an amazing mother she is and how much he loves her. He then told me about a year in his life that was challenging for him; he went through a major business crisis but managed to pull through. “You know what I really wanted?” he asked me. “I just wanted my wife to put a hand on my shoulder and say, ‘This is really well done, you worked so hard for this.’ I needed her to be tender.”

I think that men want to feel admired—I think all people want to feel admired—and to feel that women are proud of them. Many women are comfortable with self-criticism, which can also mean they’re comfortable with being more vocal about what they don’t like in a partner, as opposed to what they appreciate. Women often need to be on the verge of losing their partners to finally start telling them everything they appreciate about them.

“I need a place where I don’t have to be ‘on’ all the time,” the man continued to tell me. “Where she can on occasion tell me: ‘It’s well done, good enough.’”

Q

Why do you think some women find it hard to show compassion to their male partners?

A

Women are often afraid that if they put their hand on their men’s shoulders, they’re going to turn into puddles. Men are afraid of women’s tensions, but women are afraid of men’s meltdowns—that they will regress, suddenly going from man to boy to baby. Women believe that men are more fragile on some fundamental level, and they think that if they let loose, they’ll fall apart. Many women don’t trust in the emotional resilience of men. They think they are superior in this realm.

“Men are afraid of women’s tensions, but women are afraid of men’s meltdowns—that they will regress, suddenly going from man to boy to baby.”

Many women are also afraid that if they soften their partner, then they won’t be able lean on him. They fundamentally still want him to be strong, because that allows them to fall apart: I need to know that you can hold me and that you’re strong. If you’re not strong, I can’t let go. This is true in sex and this is true emotionally. If/when for some reason he softens, there is a part of her that feels angry. Instead of becoming compassionate, she becomes angry.

It’s like the man is playing a role in a play that he never auditioned for. The woman has decided—without telling him, and perhaps without admitting it to herself—who she needed him to be for her. Either she wants him to be really tough and imagines him this way; she doesn’t give him the space to not be tough. Or, maybe she does the reverse, and clips him, makes him inoffensive: the safe guy who will never hurt her, never leave, never cheat—like a sweet puppy. Then she says: not interested.

Q

What’s behind the disconnect?

A

Men don’t explain enough to women that their sexuality is relational and driven by their internal states: If a man feels anxious or depressed, if they are struggling with their self-worth—their sexuality will change. The fear of rejection and inadequacy, the need to feel competent, to know that she’s enjoying him and into it—these are all important and intensely relational qualities of men’s sexuality.

People tend to think of female sexuality as being very complicated, while oversimplifying male sexuality. There’s the assumption that women want to connect and men want to get laid—the idea that women have the monopoly on intimacy and best understand closeness. These are highly gendered stereotypes that really don’t serve anybody, but they are quite tenacious.

“People tend to think of female sexuality as being very complicated, while oversimplifying male sexuality.”

While there are differences between men and women, I think we all fall prey to very old stereotypes and evolutionary ideas that support certain stereotypes even though they’re not necessarily that accurate: Women are told that there is one form of expression for sadness and hurt, and that in the masculine discourse, it’s more acceptable to being angry and to pretend self-sufficiency. We often mistake this kind of difference as essential and innate, when it is much more cultural; then we come up with all kinds of evolutionary and biological theories to support the stereotype.

Q

What about men projecting onto women?

A

Oh, yes—it’s equal opportunity. We’re more familiar with the projections of men on women than we are with the projections of women on men. For instance:

If a man sees a woman as brittle, he may love her with a sense of extra burden—he must take care of her. He takes on a parental role. This is one trap, or way, that relationships become parental, and it can happen with any gender.

There are long histories of men desexualizing women (think the Madonna complex) and putting them into a mother role. Or, on the flip side, men may clip a woman who is very sexual as someone who won’t stay with him, because his sense of self-worth is put into question: Am I enough? Everybody plays these games: If I’m not enough, if I reduce you a little bit, then I become more.

Q

Do men feel the same amount of shame or is shame typically something that women feel about sex?

A

Shame is widespread and affects women and men. I think the main difference is that a woman’s shame generally is about claiming sex to begin with. A man’s is about the particular kind of sex that he claims. His shame might be about admitting that he’s not interested.

“She doesn’t have the permission to claim sexuality, and he doesn’t have the permission to claim intimacy.”

Everyone thinks people come to therapy to talk about the sex-less-ness of the woman, when half the time it is the man who is uninterested. But it’s just much more accepted that a woman is not interested. She has the permission not to want, but he doesn’t have the permission not to want. She doesn’t have the permission to claim sexuality, and he doesn’t have the permission to claim intimacy. Each one has been given certain permissions of what they’re allowed to want and what they’re not allowed to want. But I think both groups are given their share of inhibitions, shaming, guilt inductions, and secrets.

Q

So how do you fix it? Is it just starting the conversation?

A

Yes, but it has to be a particular kind of conversation. I think this topic is very fraught today. In the US, sexuality is looked at through a moral, puritanical lens—America is at war with the concept of pleasure in general. All our pleasures are time-fraught, with overlays of discipline and work. Everything is about control. But sexuality in many ways is a negotiation with your surrendering—it’s about a loss of control. So, it’s a larger question and discussion.

“In the US, sexuality is looked at through a moral, puritanical lens—America is at war with the concept of pleasure in general.”

The conversation is less about what to do and how to fix; first, it needs to be about changing the landscape and the way that we perceive things. It’s not the first time we changed the landscape, and what is permitted to be spoken about, and who is permitted in which conversation. What are the conversations that women are allowed to have, and what are the conversations that men are allowed to have?

Right now, for example, men are allowed to lie by exaggerating and by bragging, and women are allowed to talk by emphasizing self-denial and minimizing. That’s the basic rule around sexuality: Women lie down, and men lie up. The day you go into a men’s locker room and you hear them talking about how their wives are jumping them and they’re not interested…that will be evolution.