3 Tools for Finding Love
Deganit Nuur, a professional clairvoyant, certified herbalist, and licensed acupuncturist, is brilliant at connecting the invisible dots: Feeling stressed? She’ll examine the color of your tongue, pinpoint blocked qi in your liver meridian, and channel an event from your past that powers a habit that doesn’t serve you today and then practically tie a bow around it all so you see how inextricably linked your mind, body, and soul are. Given Nuur’s gift for identifying how to get people unstuck, she sees a lot of clients who feel blocked in various aspects of their lives. (Nuur teaches people to channel their intuition through online courses and an annual six-month mentorship program.) But the department she’s most often consulted about? Love.
“Hands down the most frequent question I get is, ‘Will I ever find love?’” says Nuur. But concerns of the heart are not unique to single people: Nuur says she fields as many love-centric questions from clients who are in relationships—both happy and not. “The ageless desire to love and be loved unifies us all,” says Nuur. “I don’t know a single soul who couldn’t use more love in their life.”
Here, Nuur shares a few easy tools that anyone can use to help resolve issues of love—whether it’s attracting it, keeping it, or getting more.
Creating More Love
The three simple suggestions below will help open yourself up to more love. Whether you’re single or in a relationship, they can help call in the kind of love you desire and deserve, as well as resolve conflict with greater grace and compassion. In implementing the exercises, you’ll feel more connected and unified with yourself—and with your loves. These tools are based on my clinical experience and draw from behavioral psychology, cognitive science, and traditional Chinese medicine. When practiced regularly, they’ve proven really effective for clients looking to rewire their systems, elevate their energy, and surround themselves with greater love.
Tool #1: Sandalwood on the Heart
Applied to one’s chest, sandalwood is an incredible essential oil, used to help break up stagnant energy around the heart. It’s best for letting go of old baggage and being more present for love.
I see wonderful people in healthy relationships all the time who are relating to their current partners from a place of disempowerment due to past pain and trauma. A client will feel frustrated or stagnant, but it has nothing to do with their current relationship. Their partner might be unable to text in a timely manner and they’ll go straight to the worst-case scenario—and to anger, devastation, disconnection. Meanwhile, this is the healthiest relationship they’ve ever been in; the love is strong, the communication is great, and the romance is vibrant. We’ve all been there. When we’re triggered, it’s like all that is good is forgotten, and the actions that follow become a reflection of fear and anxiety, not love and connection. Living from the past, limiting beliefs around love, or hurtful associations with particular actions all have the potential to cause pain and harm to both parties.
Sandalwood can help clear all that energy out so you can dive into love courageously with an open heart and a more innocent, elevated perspective. It’s thought to release triggers and associations so you’re able to relate to love in real time and remain fluid in your current experience. Like a gentle clearing, working with sandalwood allows for new beginnings in love—whether with a new person, your boo of many years, or, most importantly, yourself.
How To: Twice a day, mix one or two drops of sandalwood essential oil into coconut or jojoba oil and apply in clockwise circles on your upper chest. (Clockwise directions are used to call love in and counterclockwise circles to help you offer love.)
Next Level: To maximize the benefits of this medicinal, fragrant wood, couple it with a mantra and a visualization. An example is “I accept and receive all the love that life generously offers me.” For affirmation ideas, see Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life. Hay is the fairy godmom of affirmations. She has said that she repeats “Everybody loves me” throughout the day and whenever meeting new people.
While you’re doing this, visualize all your loved ones. (Pets count.) You can visualize them hugging you, or maybe they’re smiling at you, telling you how much they love you. Challenge yourself to really let the love in. Should you get weepy, it’s totally cool. Tears are the effect of the heart and suggest you’re moving through some old energy. Healing happens when love meets pain.
Try this exercise twice daily, for two minutes each, for a total of 40 days. My clients notice a greater sense of unity and cohesion with their current relationships. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, increased self-confidence, reduced self-judgment and judgment of others, and feeling more inspired, lighter, and happier.
Tool #2: Giving Thanks
It’s incredible how unlovable and lonely we feel sometimes. Clients walk in asking if they’re cursed or doomed to be alone forever, wondering what’s wrong with them. While these feelings are valid, the second I go into their energy fields, the fears usually seem almost laughable. “You are such a lover,” I’ll exclaim. (I’ll sometimes even see a line—as if wrapped around the block—of potential lovers, friends, and admirers.)
“How we do anything is how we do everything: If we’re having a hard time allowing praise, help, or acknowledgment in, we’re keeping the door sealed shut on love.”
So what gives? How can one be surrounded by love and yet totally disconnected from it at the same time? We’re often not fully allowing the love, praise, compliments, kindness, help, and support in. We dismiss love—it goes something like this:
Person A: “You’re looking good.”
Us: “Yeah, a pound of makeup will do that, but thank you.”
Person B: “Let me help you with those boxes.”
Us: “Oh, I got it—I’m almost there.”
Person C: “That was a really smart call. I would have never thought of that.”
Us: (Eye roll, possibly in judgment of others.) “I guess? Thanks?”
You get the gist. How we do anything is how we do everything: If we’re having a hard time allowing praise, help, or acknowledgment in, we’re keeping the door sealed shut on love. Kind words, touch, helpful gestures, and desiring your time are acts of love. They’re like love’s messengers. When we shoot the messengers over and over again, love will be cautious when considering sending out the next messenger.
Ready to open your heart and life, mind, body, and soul to more love? It’s so simple, you’ll want to dismiss it at first.
How To: Say thank you.
That’s it. Don’t follow it up with “You too” or “That’s sweet of you to say” or anything at all. Just say thank you. When you’re being offered love, be mindful to let it in, allow it to land, and do your best not to deflect or minimize it. May “thank you” be your new knee-jerk response to love.
Next Level: When we deflect messages of love, the person doing the offering feels a little bummed out, too. It’s like immediately tossing out a gift without even unwrapping it first. Giving thanks is like opening up the gift and getting excited over it in front of that person. It completes the exchange. It creates a bond for both parties and enhances unity and connection so everyone is feeling loved. All of life is an exchange of energies. Completing the exchange affirms our interdependence on this planet and reinforces the idea that we’re all in this together. Stopping the exchange leads to separation and division. When we feel like we’re in it alone, we’re more likely to feel protective, defensive, guarded—and to block love. Giving thanks opens up the doors, lets love in, validates all parties involved, and helps us remember that we are not alone.
By no means am I suggesting we all do things or date people we’re not really into. I’m suggesting you acknowledge your infinite reach and all the love offered to you. Say thank you for the message, even when you’re not vibing the messenger. The message is love. The messenger is just love’s humble servant. For example, if someone asks you out on a date, say thank you. You can say yes or no to the offer, but remember to accept and receive the broader message of love.
Love is always a nice thing to acknowledge, and it shows up in so many different ways and forms. Look out for it. Doing so helps reinforce the notion of interdependence on a subconscious level so we feel more unified, connected, and loved—and way less lonely. Say thank you more often and you’ll be vibrating with love and gratitude, which is a magnet for more love and gratitude.
Tool #3: Romance Your Senses
It’s easy to become super heady and place greater emphasis on our thoughts than our senses and feelings, but we’re so much more than our analytical minds and intellect. Overthinking (whether because school or career demands it or because of worry or fear) can get qi trapped in our heads, creating a disconnect between body and mind. I see this far too often in our healing center. This disconnect can contribute to all sorts of imbalances, like mood swings, anxiety, insomnia, and neck and shoulder pain. Once qi gets trapped in the head (or anywhere in the body, for that matter), it can remain trapped and reinforce some uncomfortable patterns. We’ll feel like a hamster on a wheel, or like we’re living life on autopilot, zombie style. It’s the opposite of living in love—limited and fixed, whereas love liberates and expands.
“We’re not designed to be so compartmentalized. All our pieces are parts of the whole.”
I’ve seen this disconnect also show up as low libido and lack of enthusiasm for life. Basically, your body isn’t getting enough love. We’re not designed to be so compartmentalized. All our pieces are parts of the whole. It’s not simply our heads that fall in love. With limited qi flowing through the heart (or groin/second chakra) space, we’re limited in our abilities to love and be loved.
If this is resonating, know we all have a tendency to land in this position, especially in such techy times, when we’re hunched over most of the day—constricting qi and blood flow between head and body—and so focused on the tiny details of the screen and not on the big picture. Think about your posture (is it guarded?) and what that suggests psychologically, and also what that’s doing for your muscles and circulation biophysically (do you have pain, discomfort, misalignment?).
It’s not your fault. Being a disconnected robot is highly reinforced in our society. But if you’re down to liberate your qi, let it course through you and spread back down to your heart and body.
How To: The trick here is to engage your senses. For example, take time to smell the roses—literally. If you’re not already buying or picking or checking out flowers every week, start now. Take a moment to smell the flowers and revel in them each time you pass by.
A warm bath with candles, wine, incense, and music is a lovely way to reinforce the senses and inspire greater sensuality.
At Nuurvana, we’re all about essential oils. They’re so luxurious and euphoric. Diffuse some ylang-ylang, rose, geranium, or lemongrass to work that sensual second chakra space. Rub some vetiver or sandalwood into your feet each night to descend the qi, reinforce the body, and get reconnected with desire and pleasure.
When you’re applying oils or lotions, massage them in slowly. Be tender with yourself, as you would be with a lover. Make it a sensory delight rather than a functional task.
When you’re eating, chew slowly and savor every morsel of flavor. Wear clothes that are so soft and comfortable that you want to pet yourself. Invest in great sheets.
Next Level: Let yourself indulge in sensory overload. This will help you feel deserving and worthy of the love, admiration, and adoration available to you, through you, and through others.
If you’re in a relationship, this practice can decrease feelings of neediness so your relationship can thrive from a powerful place of desire rather than one limited by feelings of need or obsession. You may find yourself more effusive and loving—and receiving greater tender loving care on account of it.
If you’re single, this practice can work in much the same way, helping you feel fulfilled, sexy, and grounded so you attract love from a place of desire and interdependence rather than a place of desperation or codependence.
This sensory practice is a great step toward putting all your eggs in your own basket, which is a game changer. (It’s the basket you have the most power over.) This is you consciously creating your love life, reinforcing your beautiful body and all the wonderful sensations it offers you. Life and love are bound to get a bit more passionate and euphoric when we do these things.
Practice makes permanence. Practice these tools until they become your habit and lifestyle so you’re high on love, all day every day. You deserve it.
Deganit Nuur, DAOM, LAc, is a spiritual teacher, clairvoyant intuitive, acupuncturist, writer, and speaker. Nuur teaches people across the globe how to hone their intuition and use it as a practical tool in daily life through online courses, live workshops, and an annual six-month mentorship program. You can book private clairvoyant healing sessions with her team of healers, too. In-person healing sessions are available exclusively at the Four Seasons hotels in Beverly Hills and NYC, where Nuur is a resident healer. Nuur earned her doctorate in acupuncture and Oriental medicine from Pacific College.
This article is for informational purposes only, even if and regardless of whether it features the advice of physicians and medical practitioners. This article is not, nor is it intended to be, a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment and should never be relied upon for specific medical advice. The views expressed in this article are the views of the expert and do not necessarily represent the views of goop.
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